An over-modulated and crisply-enunciated Andy Serkis(?) doing his best Cumberbatch impression talking to us in the passive voice that there has been an awakening or something. Who is waking up?
Jump scare! (Or JJA telling us up front “HEY! Look! A person of COLOR is in a Star Wars movie!”) It’s a dude in Stormtrooper armor (I guess) and he’s scared, too! (Maybe he just woke up in the desert in Stormtrooper armor and doesn’t know how he got there?) He turns and beats feet across the desert to the sound of an Imperial Probe Droid!
Three seconds of blank screen. Creepy music continues.
An R2 unit head on a beach ball. He be rollin’, they hatin’.
Three more seconds of blank screen. More suspenseful music.
Blue filtered line of updated Stormtroopers, including one in the middle that seems a little shorter than the others. Fluttering darkness. Focus on their blasters: impressive. Fluttering darkness. Stormtrooper legs. Drop-ramp opens …into darkness.
Young girl kick starts a rust-colored landspeederbike. She looks like she’s in a hurry. She hauls ass toward a desert town that looks made up of scattered Lego pieces.
CLASSIC X-Wing Pilot cockpit shot! Oh, the feels. Pilot looks tiny and the cockpit looks cleaner than I remember…. OH! They’re skimming water! That’s new! New X-foils! Sweet looking rides. A trio of X-Wings hauling ass. But not in space. Hm.
Voldemort is in this movie? What the hell? Ooh, crackling red sabre… OOOOOOh, crackling red cross-guards that sparkle! Satanic symbolism much? More growly-modulated narration about darkness…and the light. Brings back memories of Phantom Menace. “Soon we shall have our revenge…”
Not sure I’m on board with the inverted lightcrucifix. I get the symbolism. Not sure of the practicality of it.
At ONE MINUTE: John Funkin’ Williams’ funkin’ theme over top of a YT-1300 Corvette that may be the Millennium Falcon. No longer DirecTV subscribers, there’s a different aerial on the roof. Loopty-loop in the atmosphere, kicking up sand as it barely misses kissing the dirt. TIE FIGHTERS!
Okay. So what have I learned?
Well, fanfilms have come a long way. This easily could have been a fake trailer put up by one of a dozen groups with mad CGI/practical effects skills. Just enough new stuff to make interesting. Not a lot of what we hoped to see. No plot. No Luke, Han, or Leia. No dialogue. Not a lot (anything?) set in space. No characters interacting, just reacting to their surroundings. No context. But that’s okay. The only “cheer” moments came from what might be The Falcon and from the red lightcrucifix.