Blogger’s Note: I get these calls all the time. IT fishermen call and pretend to be your friendly neighborhood IT professional who just needs to verify a few things. Fuck you, Kyle.
Me: HR, this is me. Who are you?
Dude: Hey, this is Kyle from IT calling. How’re you this afternoon?
(check Caller ID. The call is clearly not coming from inside the office.)
Me: Excited to be alive. What can I help you with, “Kyle from IT”?
Dude: Great, great. I’m just doing a login check for your workstation to make sure all your applications and printers are set up correctly. I’ll need your workstation ID and some other information and I’ll be out of your hair in a few minutes. Sound good?
Me: My system is up to date. Kyle. Tip top.
Dude: Good to hear. I just need to knock it off my list. You can start by giving me…
Me: I’m already hard-wired into the mainframe and uplinked to MILSAT 42, Kyle. You were up here when we launched the domestic sanction mission this morning so why didn’t you check it off then? I’ve got like twelve stealth drones inbound on Topanga 227.
Dude: I need to do an external login to confirm it from our end. We’ve got special tools…
Me: Hang on, Kyle. The drone camera does seem a little out of focus. Can you enhance the main camera or tell me if its a issue with the feed?
Me: I’m trying to face-rec a dozen subversives at a Bernie Sanders rally. I need to know they are who they are for sure before I can take them out. I’m not getting a lock on any of them. Can you do that for me now because if we wait too long they’ll go into the gymnasium and we’ll have to collapse the whole thing. And I fucking hate it when Lester Holt tells people about my workday on the evening news, man
Dude: (long pause) I only work with desktop applications.
Me: (aside) Captain, I have a greenlight on the kill order but I cannot confirm with face-rec. DO we have eyes on the ground? I’ve got Kyle from ops on the line and he’s not particularly helpful. Kyle – I don’t want to end up killing a kid who just happens to look like Justin Beiber. I need to know I’m targeting the right Canadian extremist. I KNOW I’m looking at Jane Fonda’s hairdo, but I need optics to confirm before we introduce the mind control bore worms.
Me: Man, I could use a belt of space scotch.