The following is a transcript of a speech and Q&A held by The Esteemed and Incredibly Violent , Chief Communicator of the Elder Shub-Niggurath on 12/17/16 @1200 EST.
The speaker initially appeared above the Capitol dome in Harrisburg as a formless mass of burning and crisping flesh floating down from the sky to a collection of reporters and witnesses gathered in front of the fountain which is now flowing with the blood of the unchosen (aka “Trumps Puddle of Losers”). Upon consuming a number of birds, squirrels, and a feral cat, the shape changed and assumed the form of late Emmy Award-winning game show host Bert Convy.
The following is a transcript of its statement after the screaming ended.
“Hello, everybody. Thanks for coming out on such a cold day. I am… well, it would take about forty five minutes to articulate my name in your tongue and beaming it directly into your heads would cause your brains to swell and burst like microwaved marshmallows. So let’s just call me….BERT? Did I read the room okay? Is this form suitably non-threatening for all humans? When I was exiled to Earth a long while ago and didn’t have powers I spent my days in a sanitarium where we all would watch Tatletales in the lounge. Long story, but… I liked this guy’s style, I really did and…
“…sorry, what? ‘Who am I supposed to be?’ Sir, I am so sorry, but you are about to shit your brains out of your nose. I cannot live in a world where…seriously? You guys don’t know Bert..? I see a bunch of you on your phones. You’re googling Bert Convy, aren’t you? (unintelligible) Well, it’s Bert with an ‘E’ and Convy without one. Okay? By Hastur’s Mattress, people! The fuck is wrong with you? Dude won an Emmy for fucksake. Next time I’ll show up as a fucking Kardashian or some pregnant teenager with her own MTV show.
“Anyway, folks. I have been selected as My Master’s spokesbeast to you. I’m sure you have a lot of questions and concerns about what’s happening. I understand. I guess I should begin by explaining that your President-elect was kind enough to ask us here to help assimilate all of you to the new order of things. My Master is pleased to be your new prefect and protector in this realm and looks forward to deciding which of you lives and which will feed the mindless young of Hap-Zur-Wombit, It Who Dwells Under the Ruin of Centralia.
“We don’t know how we’re going to choose but my guess is your voting record will have some weight in the matter. (laughs) No, seriously, yes. And before you start filling the online news comments section with demands to nuke My Master, let me just say that Eisenhower tried that long ago and it just enhanced My Master’s tan. So, chill and go with this, folks. You made the bed, so get ready to lie under the crunchy sheets.
“Look, I love humans. I’m like that little girl who goes to the farm for the first time and is all like ‘Oh, aren’t the pigs and the sheep so CUTE?’ and Uncle Farmer’s like ‘Yeah, Becky, but they’re going to have to die so we can pay the mortgage’ and she’s like “NO! Cute animals shouldn’t be eated, Uncle Farmer’ and he’s all ‘Shut up you stupid bitch and eat your bacon!’
“Yeah, that’s me. The little girl, I mean. I love humans. I think you’re cool and cute, and adorable in a stupid way. But make no mistake: You are all very, very tasty. Let me tell ya, I’ll feed you a milk bottle and braid your hair and walk you around the pen…maybe give you a pet name and tell you how great you are…but when My Master says it’s time the make the bacon? Oh, I’ll cure and crisp you and then plate you like a Bob Evans breakfast platter.
“Meanwhile, if you have questions I’m your guy. I can do you favors, grant your wishes, raise the dead, kill your enemies, make people love you… I’m a fuckin’ genie over here. So, let’s make the most of the time you have left. If you voted for Hillary, I don’t hate you. It was a good call if you didn’t want this to happen. Of course you’d be dealing with the Ancient Nameless Gods instead of the Old Ones, but…six of one half-rack of babies the other.
“So, just talk amongst yourselves for a while. The flying monkey-bat is handing out press kits with some additional media info. I’ll be back a little later…because you all look too terrified to speak or scream. Yeah. Livestock. Tasty, tasty livestock. Mmm.”