My Wife is Perfect, My Life is Awesome, but Gary Coleman is Still Dead.

I am in the middle of writing up my Big Buck Rogers Rewatch for the episode “Cosmic Whiz Kid” guest starring the late, incorrigible child star Gary Coleman as a 500+ year-old President of some planet. I remember he gets kidnapped, trades snark with his captors, and waits for Fleet McChickynugz to rescue him.

But this is my last week on chemo drugs, so I had to take a knee before I puked all over my monitors.

It’s not that Gary Coleman is unwatchable. He was king of prime time back in the 1980s with Diff’rent Strokes and… I think that’s it. But Strokes was huge and it was the time before prevalent home video recording, so he was appointment television.

Holy shit, I just read that Strokes began in 1978. The seventies??? A year after A New Hope??? Christ, I am old.

Coleman worked all the way to his death in 2010. The jobs weren’t as flashy or lucrative as his sitcom hit, but IMDB.com has him in some film or series every year. He seemed to focus on Christmas movies which I hear are great for residuals because they are trotted out every year (if they don’t suck too bad) for people to ignore while arguing politics with relatives.

The Rewatch is really a parody of recap blogs, many of which I enjoy. But the show…oh my god this show…has not aged well at all. It wanted to be a kid show but ended up being a man-child fever dream with lots of pointless blinky lights and reused stock footage. Gary Coleman was just an attempt to boost ratings mid-season and, I guess it worked. To a degree.

Wait, why do I give a shit about Gary Coleman? Where has this blog gone?

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The Big Buck Rogers Rewatch: Unchained Woman!

“Unchained Woman”

Directed by Dick Lowry
Written by Bill Taylor, (characters created by) Robert C. Dille
Season 1, Episode 9 (Episode 7 in original run)
Original Air Date: November 1, 1979

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Sizzle Reel

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It appears that preview videos have been restricted or removed from YouTube in my absence.

Captain Bulk Grinface is talking to Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) in what appears to be the least imposing prison set ever constructed (see, when your guest stars eat all the drywall and lead paint…sorry, I’ll shut up about it now)..  He interrupts her to tell her to get down, and not in the funky way.  He pulls her down as we cut to an explosion in the desert!  In out next shot, Buck and Wanda Gerswitz wander down a sand dune and then pause to smile at each other before setting out across the desert where Linda Drysdale is caught by a subterranean tentacle puppet!

A murderous robot kills a townie on his way through the Universal backlot usually reserved for Mexican towns in western flicks.  You know he’s a robot because he has an open hatch in his belly revealing a bunch of circuits and wires.  I’m surprised Jim Cameron wasn’t sued for aping this plot, too.  The murderbot explodes through a wall like the Kool Aid Man in ninja garb, screaming at the poor, terrified people inside.

A shuttle pilot asks another ship to identify itself.  It’s a starfighter that introduces itself by firing on the shuttle.  Wilma Deering, copiloting the starfighter tells an off-screen lieutenant to break off an attack as Buck looks on with that expression that suggests he’d rather be looking at a rack of freshly-baked muffins.

Two dudes talk about a “she” that’s arriving in a tone that suggests she’s not there for funsies.  The one sinister dude says they will have to kill her.

Driving home the point, Wilma Deering tells someone off-camera that “they” are here to kill her, not rescue her.

Somewhere else, Buck emerges from a smoking hole, probably the writer’s room.  He helps this “she” out of the hole, too.  Sinister dude laments that the one person who managed to break out of this Space Stalag 13 was his once side-chick Kimberly Hammond. 

Elsewhere, “she” is really sorry for using a hangover ray on Buck, who falls to the ground like some tequila lightweight. 

The Big Buck Rogers Re-Watch: “Planet of the Slave Girls” (Part 2)

“Planet of the Slave Girls”

Directed by Michael Caffey
Written by Cory Applebaum & Steve Greenberg
Season 1, Episodes 3 & 4
Original Air Date: September 27, 1979 (Originally aired as a 2-hour movie, syndicated as a 2-part episode.)

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When last we saw our heroes, Wilma Deering was in the clutches of Kaleel’s sinister forces along with Ryna, a slave girl trying to put an end to an evil cult on Planet Vistula and to stop an invasion of Earth.

Meanwhile, Buck Rogers has found the source of the poison that has incapacitated Earth’s defense forces and he must get it back to Earth so a cure can be found.

Along the way, we’ve dealt with serious issues like slavery and Buck’s ass-hair but we are not on a “Planet of the Slave Girls” so much as the “Planet of the Extras from Paramus Community Theater’s Production of Jesus Christ Superstar“.

And Now…Part 2

The Big Buck Rogers Rewatch: The Return of the Fighting 69th!

“The Return of the Fighting 69th”

Directed by Philip Leacock
Written by David Bennett Carren, (characters created by) Robert C. Dille
Season 1, Episode 8 (Episode 6 in original run)
Original Air Date: October 25, 1979

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Sizzle Reel

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Assemble All Pilots on the Flight Deck

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This week’s stellar guests:

Once again, Buck Rogers plays in the future while paying tribute to the past with a constellation of classic guest stars…

Major Noah Cooper …. Peter Graves
Roxanne Trent …. Elizabeth Allen
Commander Corliss …. Robert Quarry
Sgt. “Big Red” MacMurthy …. Woody Strode
Corporal M.K. Schultz …. Eddie Firestone
Lt. Harriet Twain …. K.T. Stevens
Eli Twain …. Dan Sturkie
Cadet Westlake …. Robert Hardy
Cadet Clayton …. Duncan McKenzie
Alicia …. Katherine Wiberg
War Technician …. Clifford Turknett

Go for Launch!

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Note to the two regular readers and that person who stumbled across it looking for Erin Gray-themed erotica:  Sorry this is so late.  Life happened.  It seems I have contracted advanced syphilitic dementia as a result of an enthusiastic handshake from the President of the United States.  Then I had to go back and remind myself what the hell this episode was about.  In my memory it had blended together with the movie AIRPLANE! and LifeAlert commercials.  So here is my recap of the next episode.

Late middle-aged nightclub act Corliss and Roxanne have turned terrorist and live on an asteroid.  Like most Buck Rogers villains so far, there is a personal score to settle. Last week it was Frank Gorshin’s anti-Riddler after Dr. Huer.  This week, Corliss & Roxanne have it out for Wilma who, if you listen to these idiots, literally set both of them on fire. Roxanne lost the use of her hands and now has an Ash Williams gauntlet.  Corliss has a lumpy face with bionic implants.

The Big Buck Rogers Rewatch – “The Plot to Kill A City (Part 2)”

“The Plot to Kill A City (Part 2)”

Directed by Dick Lowry
Written by Alan Brennert, (characters created by) Robert C. Dille
Season 1, Episode 7 (Episode 5 in original run)
Original Air Date: October 18, 1979

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Sizzle Reel

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Assemble All Pilots on the Flight Deck

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This week’s stellar guests (again):

Frank Gorshin is master strategist and very angry terrorist, Seton Kellogg.
John Quade glares at the camera a lot as Jolen Quince.
Anthony James gives Varek depth as a mutated human who will AT NO TIME betray his evil counterparts.
Nancy DeCarl is Sherese who…needs a nap.  She can only use her supporting-character-detection powers when the plot demands it.
Markie Post is here, folks.  So everything will be fine for the next 44 minutes.
James Sloyan brings the New Jersey Renaissance Faire to space as pirate Barnard “Barney” Smith.
Whitney Rydbeck as Hartsteen aka A Whitney Brown in the 25th Century who is the REAL big bad of this episode.
James McEachin as a Directorate bureaucrat coerced into helping the baddies.
Cathey Paine as Argus’s sexy computer voice (uncredited)

Go for Launch!

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We are back to the clubhouse rented by the League of Intergalactic Mercenaries and boy are they upset with Buck.  Barney the Pirate betrayed him for a significant, but unspecified fee (enough to buy a starfighter, it seems) and now the bad guys have to find out who he really is and why he’s there.

The Big Buck Rogers Rewatch – “The Plot to Kill a City (Part 1)”

Remember to play safe, respect limitations, and the safe word is “Tapioca”

“The Plot to Kill A City (Part 1)”

Directed by Dick Lowry
Written by Alan Brennert, (characters created by) Robert C. Dille
Season 1, Episode 6 (Episode 4 in original run)
Original Air Date: October 11, 1979

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Sizzle Reel

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Assemble All Pilots on the Flight Deck

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This week’s stellar guests:

Victor Argo is infamous space assassin Rafael Argus, who suffers traumatic brain injury as a result of obsessive set design.
Frank Gorshin is master strategist, Seton Kellogg, who has designed the fall of many space governments and the murder of many leaders.  He is also suffering from chronic Cameron Frye Syndrome.
John Quade is the Rubenesque telekinetic Jolen Quince, a man from a planet with such high gravity he …developed telekinesis?  He also has a silk fetish.
Anthony James is the powerful bodyguard Varek, a hideous mutant-human who can pass through walls, turn invisible, and has the soul of a tortured poet.
Nancy DeCarl is Sherese (girls don’t need last names), a sour, angry, suspicious person with empathic/telepathic abilities that I gues made her hate all people.  The only thing that makes her laugh is the idea of murdering 10 million people.  She’s a hoot.
Markie Post is the young, sexy barfly Joella Cameron, a woman who shares a history with “Rafe” Argus, which complicates things once Buck takes on his identity.
Robert Tessier plays martial artist and killer Marcos Marcilka, though he might be overselling his skills a bit.
James Sloyan brings more ham to the role than PA to a season finale wrap party as space pirate Barnard “Barney” Smith.
Cathey Paine as Argus’s sexy computer voice (uncredited)

Go for Launch!

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We meet our hero in what amounts to a 25th century roadhouse.  The music is edgy and the clothes are slutty.  Buck Rogers enters in the hippest Members-Only jacket I’ve ever seen and immediately checks out the ass of a woman as she departs.  Right after, he steps up to a blonde at the bar and drops a cheap line to get her attention.  She turns around to reveal an elephant’s face and Buck backs off quick.

The Big Buck Rogers Rewatch – “Vegas in Space”

“Vegas in Space”

Directed by Sigmund Neufeld Jr.
Written by Anne Collins, (characters created by) Robert C. Dille
Season 1, Episode 5 (Episode 3 in original run)
Original Air Date: October 4, 1979

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Sizzle Reel

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Assemble All Pilots on the Flight Deck!

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OH THANK GOD, it’s just an hour-long episode.

Our stellar guest stars this week:

• Juanin Clay as Major Marla Landers, a more relaxed version of Wilma Deering (but otherwise identical in every other respect).
• Richard Lynch as creepy, rapist casino owner and space mob boss, Morgan Velosi
• Ana Alicia as screaming damsel in distress Felina, a woman with an easily-decipherable secret.
• Pamela Shoop as Tangie, a indentured servant and sex worker (probably) desperate to escape Velosi’s clutches.
• James Luisi as your generic mob heavy from central casting, credited as “Hood“
• Joseph Wiseman, in an apology for being cut from the pilot movie, is the sinister ethically-challenged interrogator for-hire, Carl Morphus.
• …and resplendent in a fabulous babushka and cape layers, the incomparable Cesar Romero in a glorified cameo as arms trader and general bad person Amos Armat.

Go for Launch!

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Not to be confused with the 1991 Troma film.

Without Closed Captioning, I have to guess at some of the proper name spelling. 

Buck and Wilma are conducting a training exercise.  Buck is fighting new Draconian hatchet fighters which are impressive in their maneuverability and speed.  Earth’s targeting computers can’t keep up, as Buck realizes when he is “vaporized” by on in 2 minutes and 17 seconds of combat (five on one, by the way).

The Big Buck Rogers Re-Watch: “Planet of the Slave Girls” (Complete)

Five performances daily, plus an extra matinee Sunday during the brunch buffet.

Editorial Note:  The first two episodes of the first season of the series are two-hour cliff-hangers that originally aired in their entirety before hitting syndication and re-runs as two-parters.  There is a lot of ground to cover here, folks, and I’ll be splitting it up as I did with “Awakening.”  Thanks for your feedback and support.

Editorial Note II: (One Week Later) Holy hell, there’s a lot of unpack here.  I hope I can make it to “Space Vampire” without losing my shit.

“Planet of the Slave Girls”

Directed by Michael Caffey
Written by Cory Applebaum & Steve Greenberg
Season 1, Episodes 3 & 4 (Episode 2 in its original run)
Original Air Date: September 27, 1979 (Originally aired as a 2-hour movie, syndicated as a 2-part episode.)

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Sizzle Reel

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One of my problems with the opening previews of this time is that, while they show some exciting images, they spoil some of the cooler moments of the show.  They can’t really reuse the same stock space battle shots each week, so we’re treated to big character moments and dialogue that are vital to the twists and turns of the story.  

That said, the key images from this episode:

A pilot in trouble!  A daring rescue! A tense confrontation!  Computer murder!
An epidemic unchecked! Slavery?!  Roddy McDowell…in brownface??
Great Gazooks, is that Jack Palance about to explode on my TV?
Crashing into the desert! A slave girl in peril! A blaster-wielding leather lady!
A Sauna of DOOM!!  What the hell is happening?

Tim O’Connor (1927-2018)

Career Actor, well-known for his portrayal of Dr. Elias Huer on Buck Rogers in the 25th Century, has died.  (Link to The Hollywood Reporter online.)

Photo credit: ABC/Photofest

The Big Buck Rogers in the 25th Century Rewatch – “Awakening,” Part 2

“Awakening,” Part 2 (aka “The Movie“)

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Written by Glen A. Larson & Leslie Stevens
Directed by Daniel Haller
Season 1, Episodes 1 & 2  (2 is covered here)

Original air date: September 20, 1979 (premiered as a single episode, split into two parts for syndication, modified from the theatrical release)

Theatrical release date: March 30th, 1979 (US)

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Last time on…

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USAF/NASA pilot Buck Rogers, frozen since a mishap during his space mission in 1987, awakens in 2491.  He is scooped up by a warship of the Draconian Empire which is on its way to Earth under a flag of truce.  All is not as it seems because Princess Ardala and “Killer” Kane are hatching a half-assed scheme to conquer Earth instead.  When Buck Rogers appears, they try to decide if this frozen man tumbling through space in “perfect cryo-freeze” is a spy sent by the Earth.  They bug his ship and send Buck back to Earth where he is examined, interviewed, and generally acts confused about all this.

The Earth is now a high-tech but fragile world reliant upon trade with other worlds for basic needs.  Pirates have disrupted their trade routes, leading them into a treaty with the Draconians, who promise to take care of the pirates.  Buck, who actually remembers things about Earth’s history, says that his time on the Draconian ship tells him they are up to no good.

Earth considers him a primitive.  Draconia thinks of him as a useful idiot. Dr. Theopolis, a sentient, blinking dinner plate, is in love with him. Everyone else seems clueless.

Buck, desperate to learn what happened to his world, rushes into the radioactive ruins of Old Chicago – now Anarkia – to work out what it all means.  He finds the tombstone of his family just before he, Theo, and their sassy robot drone Twiki are set upon by a mob of mutated denizens of the ruined city.

Just when you think ole Buck is done for and the mutants will do unspeakable thinks to Twiki, Colonel Wilma Deering arrives in an armored minivan to save the day.  When Buck decides to be an ass and resist returning to The Inner City, he is stunned and taken back anyway.

Episode Sizzle Reel

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Every week, the show begins with a flashy preview of the adventure to come!  This week:

Fancy Dance Ball!  Ardala’s abs! A bland invitation to celebrate from Dr. Huer!  Awkward group dancing!  Awkward half-naked disco dancing!  Wilma’s in heat!
A shocking secret revealed! Buck in a silly hat! Explosions! Space battles!  Wilma looks worried! Oh noez, Buck’s in trouble, falls down, goes BOOM!

One More Unto the Breeches

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Just when Colonel Deering decides Buck might be a lost space hunk after all, she’s shown evidence that Ranger 3 was bugged with a tracking device that betrayed the narrow access corridor through their defense shield.  Crushed by this betrayal, Deering agrees with Dr. Huer that Buck must be tried for espionage and treason. A guilty verdict on either count means death.